Ben’s Story

Ben

United Kingdom

PSSD for 7 years

During my teenage years I suffered from acne and took some medications for it. It eventually went away but when I was 21 I developed severe cystic acne, so was prescribed roaccutane. I knew the medication had some severe side effects, which I was very concerned about, but my acne was extremely bad and showing no signs of going, so I decided that I had to take the medication.

The roaccutane resolved my acne but left me with severe depression (a side effect of the drug that endured after I had stopped taking it) that I was unable to shift. I was therefore prescribed citalopram by my GP. The citalopram successfully alleviated my depression. However, when I tried to come off the drug, I found that I could not and my depression returned. I therefore continued taking the drug longer than anticipated. By this point I was in a relationship, and found that I was unable to maintain an erection, something that had never been a problem for me before I started taking citalopram. This contributed to the end of this relationship, and following a discussion with my GP, I realised that the citalopram was the cause of the problem, so I decided I had to stop taking it. Following the advice of my GP, I slowly tapered off the drug. I had been on the drug for about 3 years in total.

After tapering off the drug, I started a new relationship. During sex, I found that I still had some issues with maintaining an erection sometimes, but that after about a year to 6 months this resolved. It never occurred to me at the time that this still could have been the legacy of the antidepressant. I assumed I had just been a bit nervous. Once this resolved, I was then able to enjoy a fulfilling sex life for a number of years.

In my late 20’s I encountered some stressful life events that caused me a long spell of anxiety and depression. This had no impact on my sex drive. In fact, my physical relationship with my girlfriend was something that actually helped me to cope with the depression. I also had no problem performing sexually during this time.

Struggling with the familiar feelings of anxiety and depression though, I wrongly presumed that I had no choice but to take antidepressants. I therefore went to my GP and was prescribed citalopram again. The citalopram interfered with my ability to have an erection again, so this time I reduced the dose under consultation and this improved the situation a little. Although my ability to have an erection was affected, it was still sufficient to have satisfying sex.

Unfortunately, my long term relationship then ended for other reasons. I struggled to come to terms with this, and the dose of antidepressants was increased. I then stayed on citalopram for a year and a half before ending up in a new relationship. At this point, I explained to my girlfriend that I was taking antidepressants, and that it might interfere with sex until I either reduced the dose or tapered off them completely. It did interfere with our sex life, and I began to taper off the drug as I had done during the first time I withdrew from antidepressants. It is possible that I withdrew at a quicker rate than previously.  However, this time, something strange happened after I had withdrawn from the drug. I found that suddenly, I felt very strange. I was suddenly no longer attracted to my girlfriend (who I had previously been very attracted to). Not only this, but I seemed to have no sexual feelings whatsoever, and didn’t really want anyone anywhere near me. This was very frightening and extremely upsetting for both of us. I knew that this must have something to do with citalopram. I presumed that this was some kind of withdrawal syndrome and explained this to my girlfriend. I assumed that everything would return to normal but as time passed, it did not. The relationship ended as a result of this. I went to a GP to explain what had happened and was told that libido comes and goes and that it was not the antidepressant. I knew this assessment was incorrect.

I embarked on a mission to take care of my mental health without drugs. I attended CBT, gave up alcohol and caffeine, and continued to eat healthily and enjoy plenty of sport and physical exercise as I always had. However, something felt very wrong. I could no longer muster much interest in my many passions, such as music, cinema etc. I felt indifferent to everything, and also began to develop OCD which I had never had before.

I eventually stumbled upon an article on the RXISK website called ‘buried alive’ which described my experience and made me feel awful. I realised that I was suffering with PSSD (post SSRI sexual dysfunction), and that there was currently no cure for the condition. I looked online and all I could find was despairing people and no treatment. I decided to try my best to overcome PSSD. I reasoned that although more complicated, it was not impossible to meet someone who had a lower sex drive and who could love me regardless. I also focused more on my career. I went to several more GPs about the issue. They did not dispute that the issue could have been caused by citalopram, but there was nothing they could do. My blood tests always came back normal, and they could only prescribe me sildenafil.

Over the coming years, I attempted to begin a relationship on several occasions. However, each time, despite finding my partners attractive on many levels, I had almost no actual sexual desire. It was possible to have sex with sildenafil sometimes, but my partners have always felt that I was not attracted to them and that something was wrong. Despite my best attempts to explain the situation, it has proven difficult to have a successful relationship. It has always been more like a friendship.

It’s not just my romantic relationships that have suffered. I’m not the person that I was before PSSD. I was quick witted and far more intelligent and interesting before, which made it far easier to communicate with new people and to make new friends. I’m still able to do this, but I am aware that a piece of my true self is missing because the anhedonia I have has some impact on my ability to be truly interested in a wide range of subjects like I was before. I’m not able to laugh and joke in the same way. I used to love to make other people laugh. Nothing is the same now.

I am not usually able to explain my situation to people because I think they will not be able to understand or cope with PSSD. I think this has impacted on some of my friendships because people have begun to feel like they cannot be close to me. The anhedonia impacts on my emotions in many ways. I used to enjoy watching  football but now I no longer care who wins or loses. A hug from a family member feels meaningless.

My friends have mostly married and had children. This isn’t something everyone aspires to but it’s something I’ve always wanted. It has started to feel like it could be difficult for me, and that’s because of PSSD.

I’ve now had PSSD for over 7 years.  It’s a real struggle. I hugely regret taking antidepressants. I now realise that they were never actually necessary, and I could have managed any mental health problems perfectly well with a combination of diet, exercise and CBT.

I really hope the medical community will start to listen to the people who have been hurt by antidepressants and other drugs such as finasteride and roaccutane and do something to help. It’s glaringly obvious that there are failures in the processes that approve the safety of these drugs.